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Eric's Crappy Christmas is the twenty-sixth episode of AlexComedian1999's "Eric" series. Plot: Eric tries hard to have a better Christmas than last year's but unfortunately it turns out to be worse.

Script

(We start with Eric in his room.)

ERIC: (excited) It's nearly Christmas and I can't wait to show off my list!

(he shows his mother and father the list)

ERIC: Here is the list, it shows what I want for Christmas.

KIMBERLY: (concerned) But Eric I'm afraid that's a little too much we can't afford to buy them all at once.

ERIC: (disappointed, but not cross) But Mum I've been waiting for ever and ever can't you please let me have a good Christmas for a change?

DIESEL: Well son it's too bad since you're always naughty and getting coal instead of presents under the tree. Don't you remember last Christmas when...

ERIC: OK I know and I promise I won't be naughty again.

KIMBERLY: You better be a good boy and behave yourself or else you will face the consequences understand?

ERIC: OK.

(Later that day...)

(Eric goes to a department store to get the Christmas presents. On the way he sees snow falling.)

ERIC: (neutral, puzzled) That's strange... I thought it wouldn't snow at all in Southern California... especially before Winter.

(He goes inside.)

ERIC: Since I'm out getting some presents, I wonder if I will find the ones my mother and father would like.

(He goes up the escalator... and passes Father Christmas, and sitting on his lap was a small child, crying and screaming in horror at having to sit on his lap.)

FATHER CHRISTMAS: Ho ho ho! And what would you want for Christmas, kid?

CHILD: (crying) Waaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaa, I want my Mummy and Daddy!

(he goes to the Beauty Department)

ERIC: Now what would my mum want for Christmas?

(he imagines his mother saying "Eric give me a dark chocolate scented perfume it just came out and I should like to have one".)

ERIC: (surprised) Oh yes that's the one she wants (he grabs it) (neutral) I'll get a new dress for her as well. (he goes to get his mother a dress, later...) Now what does Dad want? (He goes up the escalator again and walks to the men's department.) I think he said he wants a new suit or something. (he sees a smart outfit with a flower for cosmetic purposes) (happy) I hope he likes this one. (he gets it... later still...) I've got some things for my nan and gran'dad, my uncle and aunt, my brother Garrick, sisters Erika and Suzy, my cousins, and last of all my girlfriend Julie. I think I need one more before I leave. (he is awed by the marvellous sight of a glass bird.) It's a goose, and it's got a golden egg to go with it! I'll buy that one as it is at a discount price even though it looks expensive. (He then goes down the escalator to the check-out queue. He walks up to the till.) Um excuse me Sir how much for all of this?

CASHIER: That will be OVER 9000 dollars.

ERIC: Don't worry I've got a 10,000 bob note. (he hands money over and gets the change.)

CASHIER: Keep the change and receipt please.

ERIC: Thanks. (he leaves with the stuff and goes home, especially after having done some more shopping for himself and his family and friends.)

(Back at home...)

ERIC: (straining, tired) Ouuuuuuuuuu, man this lot's heavy. I think my arms are gonna fall out. (his mother opens the door.)

KIMBERLY: So Eric where have you been? And how have you survived this much snow? It's a blizzard out there.

ERIC: (neutral) Well I don't mind the cold, but anyway I went out doing some Christmas shopping and I got a load of gifts for everyone.

KIMBERLY: (happy) That's the Christmas spirit I was hoping for. (neutral, yet suspicious) And how much did all that cost?

ERIC: (nervous) Um... over 9000 GoBucks? (he waits there, expecting a reaction from his mother.) Is something the matter?

KIMBERLY: (nervous chuckling) No, not at all. (happy) Besides your father had just received a 50,000 GoBuck bonus and a big big big pay rise so there's no need to worry about money.

ERIC: (happy) Thank the Lord for that. I guess I was lucky. (he and his mother go inside. Eric goes upstairs to his room.) I wonder what everyone would make of my presents. I hope they love it.

(presently, he hears a knock at the door)

ERIC: (surprised) There's someone at the door. (his heart races with excitement when he sees...) B-B-B-Brielle.... J-J-Julie.... You've got a surprise for me?

BRIELLE: We are the surprise, babe.

JULIE: And here's one you'd really like.

ERIC: (doesn't answer)

BRIELLE: (concerned) Eric? Eric? What's wrong? Eric? Eric?

(suddenly, we cut to Eric having sprung out of bed. His parents are heard calling him from downstairs. As it turned out, it was only a dream, to Eric's disappointment.)

KIMBERLY: Eric! Go downstairs now! There's a big Christmas party!

DIESEL: Hurry up or you'll be grounded, even on this Holy Day!

ERIC: Coming mum and dad... It's Christmas Day and so far nothing good has ever happened to me. (Eric is down at the common room, where he sees a bunch of characters...)

GREAT-UNCLE WILFRED: Hey Jeff...

ERIC: It's Eric.

GREAT-UNCLE WILFRED: Yeah whatever Marcus... have a happy Christ's Mass to you all, and oh what a blessed and holy day to be had.

...

GREAT-AUNT THELMA: (weakly) Eric...

ERIC: What is it Nan?

GREAT-AUNT THELMA: Come closer...

ERIC: Yes Nan...

GREAT-AUNT THELMA: Closer... closer... closer......

ERIC: Yes? Yes?

GREAT-AUNT THELMA: (explodes in Eric's face) WHAT IN THE (bleep) IS WRONG WITH YOU?!?!??

...

(A PC Guy-lookalike and a woman are facing each other. The PC Guy-lookalike reels back in fear as he gets scolded by the woman.)

SOME OVER-STRETCHED CHARACTER WHO LOOKS LIKE ERIC'S MUM: (angrily, waving arms up and down as if cheering) Simon, you are a bad bad bad bad bad bad bad bad boy! You don't get any presents for the rest of your life! Come on, pack your bags, 'cause we're going home. That'll teach you to call me fat to my face ever again!

SIMON (Drive Boy's): (angrily defying his mother) I hate you mum! And I hate this stupid holiday anyway! Happy Nut-(bleep) day to everyone, and all who wants to prance about like wussies, laying eggs for the old fart...

SIMON'S MUM: ENOUGH! GO NOW! (Simon runs off crying, going outside with his bags in tow)

SIMON (Drive Boy's): (BLEEP) you, Mummy!

ERIC: (disgusted) I'm glad I've decided not to act like that little brat.

...

(Eric sees Kimberly and Diesel at the couch, watching an Xmas movie. Presently Eric walks into the scene.)

DIESEL: Eric! Do you mind? We're trying to watch a movie!

ERIC: Um. Sorry. Did you forget about the party?

KIMBERLY: No Eric, we have not. And besides, did you do any Christmas shopping?

(zooms in on Eric, who is shocked)

ERIC: Oh crud.

(camera cuts to an angry Diesel and Kimberly)

DIESEL: Boy, what were you thinking? I mean, come on! How could you forget such a simple errand as X-mas shopping?

KIMBERLY: Wow Eric, you really screwed up this year's Christmas celebrations. Though we still have the party, you didn't give us any gifts this year.

ERIC: I'm sorry. I must have forgotten about it. Could I still do some last minute shopping?

KIMBERLY: Absolutely not! All the shops in town are closed on Christmas Day. You should have though about shopping sooner, if you'd actually got off your stinking (expletive) and did something. (Camera pans to Eric, who is feeling ashamed) Yeah Eric, you stinker, you deserve to be miserable at Christmas time, cause you didn't give us any presents. (cuts back to Kimberly scolding Eric) And before you could ask us for our credit cards, NO! You can't go out on a spending spree like this! (sarcastically) Merry Christmas, Happy Holidays - now get out, before we dress up as Santas and take all your stuff!

(Eric sadly walks out of the scene. Diesel and Kimberly are relieved that Eric had gone.)

DIESEL: Now then, honey, where were we?

KIMBERLY: Oh yeah, the unskippable previews are over. Time to watch the friggin movie.

DIESEL: All right!

(cut to Eric in a different area of the living room - he sees a mistletoe. Eric, suspicious, wonders if Brielle or Julie had placed the mistletoe as a trap.)

ERIC: Hey Erika.

ERIKA: (appears, dressed as a sexy santa) Oh hai Eric~! (Eric blushes, shocked) Do you like my mistletoe?

ERIC: (nervous) Listen... I don't want to bug you or anything, but... y'know, you're my sister... why are you walking towards me like that? (he senses Erika walking towards him) Why are you wrapping your arms around me? (he senses Erika wrapping arms lovingly around his twin brother. Then he feels the tenderness of Erika's lips against his cheeks) Uh... uh... uh... uuuuuh... did you just... um... kiss me? (turns to hurry back to the common room) Thanks for the kiss, sis!

ERIKA: (delighted, laughs with Garrick) Ha ha ha ha ha! This was the best Christmas prank ever!

GARRICK: Ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha, I agree with you Erika!

(cuts to Eric, who is panting from all the running around. He eyes the food prepared for the party and notices something being prepared for the Xmas feast that evening.)

ERIC: (neutral) M m m m m. Something's cooking. Must be the rotisserie chicken, turkey, pigs-in-a-blanket, and roast potatoes for the big Xmas dinner. Since it's not finished yet, I'll just have to wait a while.

(Minutes pass, and Eric grows bored at the party. He feels as though it had been a few hours. Just then, he hears a knock on the door.)

(Eric comes to the door and opens it. He sees a big box shaped like a Christmas present.)

ERIC: Hm. I never thought I'd been given this big a box. Hopefully it has a bunch of gifts in it.

(Eric opens the wrapper and then the box itself. Suddenly, out of the box came...)

JULIE and BRIELLE: Surprise, Eric!

ERIC: (blushes bashfully) (stammers at how the two girls are dressed - as Santas)

(Eric's two friends - JAKE RANDOLPH and BRIAN REED - come into the scene. They were the ones who have delivered the box straight to Eric's door.)

BRIAN (AKS2003): Hey Eric, did you like our little surprise?

JAKE: Father Christmas sent for us. He's given you two lovely ladies... (backtracks, to avoid getting glared at) er, your girl friends, for this occasion.

ERIC: My girlfriends... dressed as Santa's babes... (drools) (He imagines them as Santa's teenaged daughters)

(FANTASY SEQUENCE: Santa with his two daughters)

SANTA: For some reason I cannot explain, you two have been very naughty this year... (Julie and Brielle are disappointed.) ...but don't worry, I have a special job for you.

JULIE and BRIELLE: (beaming with pride) What is it Daddy Chrimbo?

SANTA: Julie and Brielle, you are to get your special someone everything he wants. He's dreadfully heartbroken and needs your help. Please find him at once, and give him the best Christmas of all.

JULIE: Yes Sir.

BRIELLE: Yes Sir.

(Still in fantasy sequence, cut to Julie and Brielle on a sleigh, and then arriving at Eric's house. Eric cheers up instantly when he sees the two girls, and even more so when given a lot of presents - including a kiss from each of them, each side of the cheek. Eric is aroused, he is so delighted that he faints.)

(Fantasy sequence ends)

ERIC: (makes same noise as BRIAN REED when fantasizing about his girlfriend Kayla in "Brian Gets Sent Back To Preschool" by adamkleinschmidt2003)

JAKE: Eric? Eric, you OK bud?

BRIELLE: (concerned) Eric my love what's wrong??

ERIC: (snaps back to reality) Oh! Uh... I... Nothing. I just wanted to say, I am glad to see you come to my party. It was a nice surprise, certainly much better than the that one time, at...

(ERIC is interrupted by his mother)

KIMBERLY: (walks out to the front door) Eric! Who are these people at your door? And why is there a giant gift box outside?

ERIC: Uh... I can explain!

JULIE: Quick, let's hide. (the four friends exit the scene, and Eric is left alone, with his mother scolding him severely)

KIMBERLY: (annoyed) Well?

ERIC: (disappointed, heartbroken) Anyways Mom, I planned for my friends to come over to my Christmas party, as a surprise. I wanted this party to be exciting, just like it was in my dream. I even wanted to borrow your credit card since Dad told me not to use his, just to buy some games and things. I also wanted to host a Christmas party of my own, so all my friends can celebrate with me. But you and your family stopped me doing it, and pinned the blame on me. (starts to cry) It's not fair! It's not fair! I can't have a perfect Christmas! Why can't I get everything I wanted for Christmas?!

KIMBERLY: (angry) Well, your dreams have been crushed, so yes, that means no video games, no GoPlus, no toys, no Premiere Pro, no Vegas - not the trip, but the software; no hugely expensive cr*p that no one cares about, no girlfriends, no computer time, no pocket money, and many more! And now that you've ruined the party for the rest of the family, you will miss out on the big Xmas feast we've prepared for the whole family. Meanwhile you are to spend the rest of the week in the basement, until you learn not to be so irresponsible and stupid. And don't forget about the Winter term exams and extra homework that needs done!

(Eric looks at the camera, shocked and horrified. He realizes he forgot to study for Winter exams, and once the Christmas holidays come to an end next week, he might be doomed if he doesn't get his act together.)

ERIC: Oh Ho Ho Ho- Oh No!

FATHER CHRISTMAS/SANTA CLAUS: Ho-Ho-Ho! Oh No is right, young man - you have been a very dumb lad this year, so this means you aren't getting any presents tomorrow.

ERIC: But today's Christmas Day!

SANTA: I've forgotten about you on purpose... I had to drop by to check on you, even after all the presents have been delivered to the boys and girls of the Planet Earth.

ERIC: Then how on earth did you get here??

SANTA: Magic... I don't know! There wasn't any reason for me not to be here, so I was thrown into the scene out of nowhere.

ERIC: Then why ARE you here?

SANTA: There's another reason why I'm here, Eric. And yes, I do know your name, because I've seen you on the Naughty list 9 times! And this year is the tenth time you've been naughty.

ERIC: What did I do for the last four years that was so naughty?

SANTA: Let me think... Oh yes, the first time you've been naughty was, when you were three-years-old, you farted in your great grandmother's face, and the smell was so bad that it killed her. The other time was when you were six, you were nearly suspended from 1st grade when you tried to "exorcise" a classmate that got possessed by a demon... (TRANSITION: fade as time passes, to when Santa Claus is still talking to Eric) ...and then, when you was in 8th grade, you got a pink slip and a four-week suspension. After that, your dad made you wear headgear to school, to teach you a lesson, and everyone at school laughed at you. You'd better stop getting bad marks at school, and not get in trouble next year boy. You know what happens to bad people for being bad 11 years in a row?

ERIC: Gulp.

KIMBERLY: Sorry Santa, I guess I'll have to say it for you.

SANTA: (nods) go right ahead Mrs Ericson.

KIMBERLY: (turns to Eric) Anyone who has been naughty one time too many gets sent straight to Hell! All who arrive in Hell never leave this place! They get tortured until only their bare bones are left and their flesh eaten by cannibals! Do you want to become a pariah and live among the dregs of society? Do you want to go to Hell? Do you want to get tortured by midgets and eaten alive?

ERIC: No Mom, please. Pleeeeease! I don't want to be sent to Hell! I will be a better person! Please please please please please please I won't get in trouble anymore!

SANTA: Well since you've gotten into trouble way too many times, your mother has decided that you will spend the rest of the year in the basement of your house.

ERIC: (pleading) I'll pay you 5 dollars if you promise not to send me off to Hell.

SANTA: (shocked) What? 5 measly dollars! (angered. Kimberly is angry too, and so is Diesel who walks out the front door) You think you'd get away with bribing me like that just so you can see out your miserable existence? Oh oh oh oh oh that's it I'm definitely sending you to Hell!

DIESEL: I've told that little (censored s-word) not to cause so much trouble this year, but now he's gonna pay!

KIMBERLY: We'll never forgive you ever ever ever ever again!

SANTA: God, send that scallywag straight to hell!

GOD: (voice) You're coming with me, Eric.

ERIC: (crying and begging, dancing around, trapped in the grasp of the Hand of God) No no no no no no no nononono no no no noo no! Please let me go! I don't want to leave!

DIESEL: Too bad kid you're getting your butt handed to you.

SANTA: I've seen quite enough of this for one day. Time to head back to the North Pole. Ho ho ho! (goes back to his sleigh and flies away. By this time, Eric is already gone, much to Kimberly and Diesel's relief. They dance and celebrate the departure of their former "son")

DIESEL: Hooray we're finally rid of that naughty boy once and for all!

KIMBERLY: See you never loser! Now we can enjoy our Christmas without you! Goodbye, and good riddance!

(Cut to Hell. Eric is dragged into the scene. He looks around, frightened.)

ERIC: Hey, where are all the cannibals?

SATAN/THE DEVIL: (enters, evil grin crosses his face) You ready for round two, naughty boy?

ERIC: (screams in horror, terror and anguish) AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAH!!! NOT AGAIN! NO NO NO! NOOOOOO AAAAAAAAAAH!!!

(Eric wakes up startled, as he snaps back to reality. He is back where he was before... but he now sleeps in the basement of the house.)

ERIC: (shocked) This was the worst dream I've ever had... Christmas will never be the same again because of this stupid dream. (remembers) I have to do all my homework before school starts... and there's going to be exams! (defiant, changes to angry expression) Mom... Dad... Mrs Christina... Principal Lawrence... Mr Prickly... I really won't let you down this time!

(Fades to black... 5 seconds later it fades to a message saying: Merry Christmas from AlexComedian1999 and to all you GoAnimators, past and present. Xmas music plays in background, complete with jingling sleigh bells.)

(TO BE CONTINUED... Stay tuned for Episode 27, when Eric sits the January exams and tries even harder to pass... by actually studying?)

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